What do you do with out-of-town guests when the third heat wave has arrived and the heat index is over 105 degrees?

You go to Oceans of Fun. Kansas City’s very own public water park.

I was already dreading the excursion seeing as I find walking around in a bathing suit in 105 degree weather with masses of civilians and children – well – rather unpleasant. Especially since I couldn’t even go on the rides. Dalai Daniel and his side kick Pissy Missy are not tall enough to do anything except splash around in Paradise Cove, which is basically a gigantic playground of annoying water torture devices. Within 30 seconds of approaching the edge of the structure I was pelted in the eye with a stream of water controlled by a 6-year-old sociopath and subsequently violated by a large surge aimed by some perverted teen age boys at my bathing suit bottoms. I hope they have nightmares of my white, fleshy, almost 40-year-old butt.

The fun was really starting in the wave pool, were the kids and I decided to chill out, until my uncle (in town from Seattle) came running over to tell me that Thomas was being taken by the lifeguards to the First Aid office and he was going to need stitches.

We had been there a total of 45 minutes.

The chin gash, deep enough to make a veteran mother-of-four want to vomit, was the result of, you guessed it, running on wet, slippery concrete.

So when your children think you or the lifeguards are stupid for making them walk, just show them this picture of Dalai T’s seven stitches, courtesy of Children’s Mercy Urgent Care.