Timing is Everything
(…continued from High Five!)
There I was. In an apartment, with three small children, pregnant. This was NOT part of my perfect life….
After I broke the news to my husband, right before going under for oral surgery (which he will never forgive me for), things went back to as normal. It was like I never stopped being pregnant. I still looked 6 months pregnant from my last bun in the oven, so people kept asking me when I was “due” thinking I was still cooking baby number three. I never had to stop wearing my maternity clothes, never had to go on a diet, and my 8 week post op OBGYN appointment turned into my first pre-natal check up. Easy peasy.
Only a few months later, it became depressingly apparent that our house remodel was NOT going to take the 6 months promised to us. Some of this was due to the contractor, some was due to our changes and additions, and LOTS was due to finding ancient oil drums, missing support beams, original wiring, and major drainage problems. My whole life was becoming consumed with construction decisions. I was exhausted.
So, when a good friend of mine asked me to go to an all-day seminar of some intuitive named Sonia Choquette, I got tired just thinking about it. But, I went because she asked me to and I’m usually open to anything a little different.
And, God, was she different. She had us dancing in the aisles, singing crazy affirmation songs, sharing our deepest emotional truths with strangers, holding hands and shouting things out loud. What the hell had my friend gotten me into? I thought I was going to listen to a psychic, not participate in cult rituals. I was totally unprepared and caught off guard. People were crying and confessing their deepest secrets, searching for life’s meaning and hoping to uncover the purpose of their personal tragedies. I was completely paralyzed by fear. It may have looked like I was going along, but my heart and mind were closed and I couldn’t wait to get out of there. If it wasn’t for the off-chance psychic prediction that I was going to have a girl with dark black hair, I would have said the whole thing was a waste of time.
I never thought any more of Sonia Choquette or energy or spirit or affirmations or vibrations. I was still in the mode of tasks and check lists and errands and meetings. I was completely focused on the minuscule details of making the perfect house and doing the things that make the perfect community leader. I was on various board of directors, volunteering on different fundraising committees, and attending my fair share of rubber-chicken luncheons and galas. That’s what I thought stay-at-home moms did to contribute, so I did it. No questions asked.
In the mean time, I was miserable. When I looked at my calendar and saw what meetings I had coming up, I got a pit in the bottom of my stomach. How could giving back to the community feel so bad? What was wrong with me? I felt inadequate and selfish.
All the while my relationship with my mother was abysmal. My misery was building up inside of me as anger and she was an easy target. I wanted her to take care of me, mother me, save me, but at the same time my heart was too closed to let her in.
When we realized that we were going to have to move out of the apartment into another temporary living situation (because we couldn’t put two babies in the closet, not to mention the apartment had a maximum occupancy of 5 people) I desperately wanted my mom to sweep in and take care of me. I wanted her to see the magnitude of my stress and feel the depth of my fear and invite me into her home and say, “don’t worry, come here. I’ll take care of everything. I’ll make sure you are comfortable and safe. You don’t have to do a thing.” When that didn’t happen I was crushed. I was so angry at her that my heart closed up just a little bit more.
I didn’t see that the way I was living – bogged down in the minutia of perfection and inauthentic decisions – was why I couldn’t be saved by anyone. I was blazing through life, trying to fulfill others expectations of me, totally unaware of my casualties.
But, I had one fine looking kitchen in the end. And even a few pictures in the local social paper.
Finally, in April, 2006, we moved back in our house. We moved out with a 3 month old, and a year later, moved back in with a totally different different 3 month old. Yes, I finally got that girl I had been desperately trying for (but got the irresistible, hilarious, and #1 shit-disturber, Dalai Daniel instead) I found it ironic that 12 months of trying for a girl got me a boy and one night of unplanned please-don’t-touch-my-breast sex (the timing, of which, convinced me that it had to be another boy) brought me a little girl. A beautiful, funny, black haired little devil. Pissy Missy. (Be careful what you wish for)
My life was more of the same: following a path laid by other’s expectations. Or, rather, what I thought others expected of me. But, the feeling of emptiness, confusion, yearning, and anxiety still lingered. I didn’t know what I wanted or why I was feeling this way. I had the perfect life! I was a stay-at-home mom who didn’t have to worry about money. I had a beautiful home, healthy children, lots of friends, and (finally) a size 6 ass – what more could I want? I didn’t feel entitled to be unsatisfied. That was for people who had to struggle FOR THINGS. I had all the THINGS you were supposed to have to be happy.
Then, one day as I went to get my mail I found a bag at my front door. I looked inside and found a copy of Diary of a Psychic by Sonia Choquette. It had been 2 YEARS since I had participated in the spirit orgy and I hadn’t though of the cult meeting since. There was no note, so I had no clue who gave it to me.
It sat by my bed for a week until the girlfriend who took me to the seminar called and asked me if I got the book she had put on my doorstep.
“Oh, it was you!” I said.
“Of course it was me! I promised you I would give you a copy.”
I hardly even remembered the conversation and couldn’t believe she remembered her “promise” 2 years later. But, we had a vacation coming up and I needed a book, so I took it with me. Totally unaware of the monumental shift that was about to occur in my life…
I couldn’t stop reading it. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. There were answers in there, clues, to a different path. It wasn’t about being psychic, it was about listening. She talked about meditating, something I thought only weird people with turbans practiced. She talked about an energy force that we could all tap into for answers. Being intuitive wasn’t a gift, it was a right. Anyone could use their intuition, exercise their vibes, and tap into that wealth of information. She spoke of intentions and visualization. I was blow away at the thought that I could paint a visual picture of what I wanted and just that intention would send ripples into the universe on my behalf. I had the power to create! In a different way that the pushing and forcing that I was used to. This was EARTH SHATTERING stuff for me. She was simply describing the law of attraction (way before The Secret came out), but it was the first time I had ever heard of such a radical idea.
Looking back I realize it was no coincidence that I got the book 2 years after our seminar. I was completely closed off the the idea in the beginning. That book came to me at exactly the right time. I was now fully open and ready to receive the information. And now I couldn’t get enough of it.
I was desperate to learn and understand what she was talking about. I ravaged one spiritual book to the next. From more of Sonia Choquette’s books to Eckhart Tolle, Deepak, Jack Canfield, Thich Nhat Hanh, Judith Orloff, Shakti Gawain, Jane Roberts, Easter Hicks, and probably a dozen others. I finally felt like I was on the right track to living the life I wanted. I had been feeling void of spirit, purpose and clarity. That’s why I felt miserable! Empty. Lost. Bored. Impatient. Selfish. I was stuck on someone else path. Someone else out there loved to plan parties, help fundraise, and go to board meetings. They were all worthy contributions. They just where not MY life’s contributions.
It’s funny how once you get a toe on your authentic path things start rushing in to support you. Within months of that book showing up on my doorstep I happened upon a long-time gym acquaintance. I didn’t really even know what she did. But during a 5-minute “elevator” conversation I found myself telling her I was seeking more spirit and found out she was a spiritual life coach. How’s that for timing?
What happened next was a year-long purging of all un-Dalai obligations. I quit every board, got off every committee, said no to every fundraising request, and can almost say I haven’t been to another rubber chicken gala since. When someone asks me to do something I notice how my body feels as the question enters my consciousness. Was I neutral? (tell them I need to sit on it) Was I intrigued? (tell them I’m interested in learning more) Did I feel my chest constrict? (tell them NO thank you!)
That opening of space is why I am who I am today. It is how Dalai Lina was born. It is why I have a passion for helping people realize their power. Whether is is the power of choice in food, health care practitioners, products, careers…everything is our choice! Own your health. Own your body. Own your life!
I’m still on my journey. I certainly don’t have all of the answers. I still struggle with “what I’m going to do when I grow up.” I know I’m just on the tip of my iceberg. I can still get impatient and want the Universe to do all the work. (You mean I can’t just visualize it? I may have to DO something?) But, I have the tools and trust the process. I am supported.
So are you.